I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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