I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
