I want you more than these girls want KFC
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
