I just cut my nipple shaving
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
