There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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