you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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