My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
