I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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