Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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