my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
