Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
