Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
