I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
