Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
