he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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