I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
