Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
