I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just want to make out with him forever
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
