I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
