I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
