mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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