wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
we should paint friendship bongs
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
