why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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