If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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