What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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