i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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