I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
