not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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