I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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