I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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