you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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