I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
