I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
