my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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