Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
