I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize