Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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