I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
