and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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