i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize