My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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