I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
