im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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