Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
