They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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