Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
