3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
