ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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