Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
