I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
