I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
