i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
