his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
