Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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