i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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