You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
