You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
