i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
